Belly Button Lint

This assignment was to write a paper and divide and classify something. My teacher liked wine as his subject. I picked something a little different. :)

Belly button lint has been studied for many centuries because of its many strange and wondrous oddities. Scientists agree on most things about belly button lint, but one of their biggest disputes is why the spelling of each type of lint always starts with the letter V. They have debated the reason for a long time, but have only come up with a few obscure theories, the most popular being mass hypnotism. No one really knows why they all start with the letter V. There are two families of belly button lints, and any lint can belong to either family. The VAULTED lints are found on an outy belly button, and the VALLEY lints are found on an inny belly button.

The VAINGLORIOUS genus of belly button lint contains several strains of odd lints. This genus is characterized by the way it shows off and can be found in many shapes, including, but not limited to, animals, flags, people, etc. The most intelligent lint of the VAINGLORIOUS genus is the VULCAN strain. In medieval times it was thought to have come from a planet between Mercury and the Sun, but we now know that it came from another galaxy. It was brought to our planet by Mr. Spock of the U.S. Starship Enterprise when the ship passed through a time warp. The VALENTINE strain of belly button lint is rare and beautiful. It is VAINGLORIOUS, always found in the shape of a heart, and it has just a little bit of chocolate in it. This lint started the tradition of giving chocolate hearts on Valentine’s Day. Perhaps the most unusual of the VAINGLORIOUS genus of belly button lints is the VALENCE lint. It begins, of course, at the belly button, but it hangs down very low, sometimes reaching the floor.

The VENAL genus of belly button lint is bothersome, but it is not evil in nature. The VAMP strain of VENAL lint is of the female gender, and only found on a human male’s belly button. It is very crafty and seduces the man into letting it stay there permanently. The VINEGAR strain of VENAL lint has an awful, putrid smell to it. The VERMILION strain is bright red, and has a bad habit of grabbing food off the shelves if you go into a grocery store. All of the VENAL lints, excepting the VAMP strain, belong to the sub-strain of VAGABOND lint because they never stay on one person for very long.

The most treacherous belly button lints belong to the VICIOUS or so called VERMIN genus. If lint from the VERMIN genus crosses the path of lint from the VAINGLORIOUS genus, they fight to the death; then the VULTURE lints show up to devour the dead. You have to keep a close eye on the VANDAL strain of VERMIN belly button lint because it is very experienced in the use of spray paint and quite good at body graffiti; however, it is uncommon. The strain of VAMPIRE belly button lint is dangerous. If you have enough of it, you get very sick, and a few people have actually died from it. VAMPIRE lint is parasitic and lives off of the blood that it sucks through its host’s belly button. It is usually immortal, but it can be killed. You must go outside during the day, lift your shirt, and expose the VAMPIRE lint to direct sunlight. The VOODOO strain of lint is wily and evil. It uses sorcery on its host to refrain the person from killing it. The most dangerous and deadly of the VERMIN belly button lints is the VENOM lint. Its bite is as deadly as a Coral snake’s. If treated in time, you have a 25% chance of survival.

There are, of course, many other VARIOUS types of belly button lint, but they are rather uncommon and therefore, I have not mentioned them. My theory as to why each kind of belly button lint begins with the letter V is that the VOODOO lint placed a curse on all mankind just to be VICIOUS.

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