Kill the Old People

This assignment we had to write why we should kill everyone when they turn seventy. Obviously, he had a warped sense of humor. I guess I did too.

Everyone knows of someone who’s over seventy years old, and most of us grew up with grandparents who were close to or over the age of seventy. Our elder senior citizens all appear to be loving and caring, but are they? Just how much do we really know about these people who have already lived their lives and are waiting for their impending death? Not as much as a lot of people think.

When people reach the age of seventy, they are required to join a club. It’s a very secret club called Perdition’s Elders. They seek you out as soon as you turn seventy, (it has never taken them more than a month to find someone), and force you to join the club. If you refuse to join, they kill you with an injection that causes heart attacks, but most people are happy to join. Once in the club, the brainwashing begins. It is very thorough and usually only takes three hours to be completed.

Very few people under the age of seventy know about this awful club, but I managed to find one man willing to talk about it. I’ll call him Mr. “A”, but he’s really Arthur Pandangle of 1217 Park Avenue Apt. 15, Orange Park, FL 32073, phone #(904) 269-6549. Mr. “A” has been a member of the club for eight years now and is president of the Orange Park chapter. He helps the local clubs organize the meetings where they all get together and decide what unsuspecting soul they will attack next. There are many hideous things that they do, but they are very clever at disguising their evil tactics behind the excuse that they’re too old to know better.

Mr. “A” told me that for his initiation into Perdition’s Elders, he drove his Grand Prix northbound on St. Johns Bluff Road South to the intersection of Beach Boulevard and St. Johns Bluff; then entered the left hand turn lane. The light was green, but he stopped anyway, completely ignoring the blaring horns of the cars behind him. When the light turned green for the east and west bound lanes of Beach Boulevard, he ran his red light and proceeded into the intersection, where a westbound truck smacked into the rear of his car. Because he was so old, the police only charged him with careless driving.

Pension days are the worst. They get their money, head straight for the stores, and try their best to cause automobile accidents on the way. The unlucky senile delinquents who don’t have cars use this chance to call up their children and/or grandchildren to drive them around; then they put them through hell all day long. Once they reach the stores, heaven help the merchants who don’t have the items they’re looking for because Perdition’s Elders has a game where they keep score of how many people they can get fired during the month, with the winner receiving an extra set of false teeth. (They love this because they can leave them in a bathroom so someone else will find them and have to stare at them while they brush their teeth or comb their hair.) The pension checks allow them to buy their medications, so they get stoned and head back out on the roads, creating as much havoc as possible. (If you look at their faces real close, you’ll see an evil grin.)

The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of contemporary society. They have watched their children grow up to be accountants, stock brokers, and even computer specialists, and they begin to wonder, “Is it all really worth it?” They’ll stop at nothing to harm the young people they’re so jealous of. Mr. “A” claims that anyone over seventy can get away with almost anything. It’s very rare that someone his age gets harassed, but if they are harassed, they simply pretend they can’t hear. This usually infuriates the person they pull this trick on, but they always seem to get away with it.

If we don’t do something to put an end to Perdition’s Elders, then their way of life is all we have to look forward to in our own old age. We need to totally eliminate this club, but there are so many of them and their brainwashing techniques are so powerful that this is an almost impossible task. The only way to end this club completely is to kill everyone over seventy years old. If we miss only a few of them, that’s all they’ll need to rebuild Perdition’s Elders, so we need to be very thorough in our total elimination of them, starting with the worst one of them all, George Burns.

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